Girl we’ve all been there. It’s 1am and your friend wants to keep going because, unlike you, Karen doesn’t have a real god damn job and can sleep until noon.
By the time you manage to crawl home and actually get into bed you’ve lost track of the time. It feels like your head has literally only hit the pillow when your phone starts telling you it’s time to get up like the little two-faced bitch it is.
You hit snooze. And again. And again. And now you’re late. You’ve got choices to make to get to work on time – so here’s how we do it for when you want to keep your job more than you want to get a sugar daddy.
1. Put your hair up in a 30 second updo
If your hair is short and sticking in all directions, and you don’t own a straightener, you’re already fucked. Call your boss and go back to bed.
If you can get your hair into a ponytail then this is a great start for most updo’s. Important to note though, any actual pony you can get your hair into quickly is not one you should be seen wearing anywhere other than the gym. Have some self-respect, you’re late not blind.
Youtube is a treasure trove for this stuff so be sure to take a look. Our recommendation is below:
2. Recycle your go to clothing pieces
The sniff test is your best friend here. If you’re later into the week, or your laundry, then you’ve probably already worked your way through your go to outfit pieces. Smell and wear mate, smell and wear.
3. Frame the face and get the fuck out
You don’t have time to do a full face. That said it’s not like most of us are trying to impress the oldies in the cubicles next to us. Now if your job requires you to be “made up” (putting aside a bullshit sexist double standard) you’re going to have to lean in to being late, suck it up, and do the full face.
Otherwise if you’re a human in a normal situation you can simply stick to the basic. Primer, foundation, frame the face, mascara, and if you have it – setting spray. Speaking from experience you can do this in 10 if you’re really committed, but prepare for “you look tired” comments all day because lets face it, you are.
4. Skip breakfast and pretend you’re starting your diet
You’re probably already a mess so why not use this to help yourself feel superior to your co-workers. Simply convince yourself this is the start if your “intermittent fasting” diet. This is a legitimate diet so any of the health nuts about your office can’t say shit, and losing a little weight isn’t always the worst thing in the world.
The key here is to be very very vocal with all of your workmates about how it just makes you feel healthier you know? There’s time to cave and eat a snack in the bathroom later.
5. Swear to stop being a garbage fire of a human
If you’re on the way or already made it to your desk then solid effort. It’s basically out of your hands now so maybe it’s time to take a look at your life and at your choices.
If you’ve made it this far you’re probably OK, but blah blah blah room for improvement. You do you, just try to get out of bed earlier.