Most of us have had a bad date, hell most us have had more than one. In honour of Valentine’s day I’ve asked a few of the women I know to send through their most “funny terrible, not terrible terrible” dates. Here they are in their unedited glory.
To call Mervin* a close friend would be an exaggeration for dramatic effect, but we had known each other through similar circles long enough that I didn’t feel awkward accepting his invitation to a work do of his that he “didn’t want to turn up alone to”. The evening started innocuously enough, he picked me up from the station and off we went. It was about half way through the evening when things got a little weird. Striking a quasi-dramatic pose, right arm slightly raised, he gazed into the middle distance and started quoting poetry at me. About me. That he had prepared earlier. “The way you were just standing there The moonlight sparkling on your hair, Reflecting stars from distant skies, In blah blah cliché rhymes with eyes ..”
Alright, I’ve taken some liberties but you can’t expect me to remember all of it, and it was hugely embarrassing drivel. It didn’t stop there. Throughout the evening I was subjected to line after line of this, each with the wistful staring into the horizon, and the hopeful pause afterwards where I was supposed to show my appreciation. On one occasion, there was even a song. It got to the point where I politely requested that he stop, dear God, please stop, and for fucks sake just TAKE ME HOME!
On the trip home, there were eyes and skies, love and dove (and occasionally above), and let’s just say that while (to this day) I have no idea what he thought he would accomplish with this venturing into poetic stances and stanzas, I took great pains to never see the guy again.
Tinder is my most effective tool to meet people in a new city. Perth was no exception, and I start chatting to a Dutch guy a few days after arriving. His profile pictures were only head shots and only showed a hint of a torso. That should have been the first red flag. We arranged to meet at a local pub and I told him I was going to ride down there and I’d meet him in the bike parking (which is specifically for motorbikes, which is what I was riding). He was really excited that I rode because he rode bikes too! He suggested later on maybe we could ride together. Great! I pulled up on my motorcycle, my loud, engine announcing my arrival. I looked over into the bike park next to me and saw a guy, no more than 4 foot 5, putting down the kickstand on his push bike.. Ah. Dutch. That explains the bike excitement. And the height explains the lack of below the shoulders photos. Besides the emasculating introduction, we had a great time at the pub but decided to just be friends on account of the fact that I would have destroyed his tiny body with all 5 feet and 3 inches of me
I had one dude I was seeing, I decided we were gonna have sex on Valentine’s day like a cliche surprise cause we hadn’t yet… I got all pretty all day, bought him presents, got sexy underwear and chocolate body paint … like you do lol… he messaged me that he was gonna be late.. then later… then so fucking late!!!!! He eventually turned up at 11.45pm!!! And the sex was baddddd like 2 minutes bad.
I met Dave at uni. He was 7 years older in his early thirties. He had a high paying job in Auckland before he cheated on his wife and was promptly kicked out of the house and was forced to move back home to live with his parents in Hamilton. It was all at first site and we dated for a few months. Anyway one night we ended up at his house and I met his parents. Turns out Dave didn’t know how to drive or have a licence nor could he work a washing machine. Anyway I got on really well with his family, so well his mother broke up with me on his behalf 2 weeks later, because I was too young for his son.
And – Met a guy on FindSomeone. He seemed cool so I sent him a smile. He sent me a smile back and we started talking. In the space of 2 mins he insulted me 3 times. I should have stopped right there but I didn’t. We exchanged numbers and right of the bat first text ‘Do you want a relationship’ bear in mind we started talking an hour ago. Long story short yesterday he sent me 6 texts in the space of 2 mins because I hadn’t messaged him back straight away! I sent him a ‘It’s me not you text’. He responded called me the worst woman ever and then followed up 3 irate messages in FSO then blocking me and sending me a ‘bye’ text. He went from ‘I WANT A RELATIONSHIP’ to ‘I HATE YOU’ in the space of 9 days.
So there I am on my first ever tinder date, nervous as heck. He shows up and doesn’t look or sound like a serial killer so I think everything will be just fine. Spoiler alert – I’m a terrible judge of what ‘fine’ looks like. We start chatting about uni over coffee and I mention I studied bio. “Oh funny, my ex studied bio too” he says, followed by a full run down of her honours research. Call me cynical but alarm bells had somewhat started at that stage – we were five minutes into our first conversation so his ex is an odd topic choice. But hey maybe he was nervous too right? Benefit of the doubt and all that. Topic change to where in the world we’d most like to go. This quickly becomes ‘places my ex has been cause isn’t she just so well travelled’. And this happens again. And again. And again. Every. Goddam. Topic. Fast forward to the end of our date and he’s walking me to my bus. I’ve already firmly decide date number two is not on the cards and am questioning my life choices in general. He stops and says “I have something I think I should tell you”. “My ex and I… we didn’t break up that long ago and I think I might still be a bit into her”. Well done random tinder guy they should probably give you an award for stating the fucking obvious
So a friend and I were out on the town for a night and I drank waaaaaaaay more than I should’ve. Don’t remember much of the night or anything that happened. But in the morning I had this “come to” moment when the guy next to me in bed said “so how’s your mum and dad?” I roll over to find that it was my old pastors son that I had managed to pick up. My friend had crashed on my couch so I got up to tell her the massive mistake id made. The friend had to leave and drive home. She’d just walked out my door when the boy says “man I don’t know how I’m going to get home”, so I tell him that my friend that just left was driving and could drop him at the station, if he was quick he could catch her. I knew full well that the moment he walked out my door he wouldn’t be able to get back in, thus successfully getting rid of him, albeit at the cost of my friend having to give him a lift.