How To Trick People: Into Thinking You Can Bake

Every now and then an event comes up where you need to impress people and show that maybe you can kind of adult your way through life. When these rarities come up it’s best that you have a plan of action, and the cheaper the better.

There are those of us who subscribe to the idea that’s it’s simple as fuck to simply go and buy a baked good, repackage it, and pass it off as your own – but this presents its own problems. Generally it’s pretty easy to tell when a person has bought an item as opposed to baking it, and if you’re trying to pass something hard to make off as your own then expect to make excuses as to why you can’t make a cake from scratch for the rest of your natural born life.

No the key here is to know how to make at least two very easy items, and to achieve this my own are brownies and a no-bake chocolate tart. Both so simple you’d have to be trying in order to fuck them up.

Anyone who says that you need to make brownies from scratch is a filthy liar. Some of the best brownies I’ve ever had, and some of the best you’ll ever make, can be achieved with this beauty.


The recipe gives you the option to use butter or oil, and in my experience oil is the way to go. In addition to this given how I make them I’ll use pasteurized eggs, as underbaking so they are cooked on the outside but gooey in the middle is the tits – but salmonella isn’t. Slap a double batch in your oven on fan bake for 13 minutes, take them out and let them sit until cold, and then you’re done.  Easy as fuck.

The chocolate tart while more work has more of a payoff. Having found this on Facebook originally. Watching the video is going to make more sense than me explaining how to do it – so you can watch it here,

One of the main takeaways that I have for you after making this a few times, is that in most places in NZ you are going to have a right bitch of a time finding double (heavy) cream. The only place I have found it so far is the Chaffers New World in Wellington. If you go for a hunt you’re looking for the below. Trust me when I say, you’re best checking online to see if your local has it before making the trip.


The other major piece of advice I have for you is to beware chocolate bloom. Chocolate bloom is this white marble looking effect that happens when you’ve cooled the chocolate too quickly. If you want a good looking tart, after you’ve added the filling to the base let it cool at room temperature for 20 minutes before you slap it in the fridge.

If you can do these very simple recipes then people won’t supremely pity your lack of baking skills. Tell them these are your “signature dishes” and only ever make them. If someone doesn’t like chocolate then fuck it.


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