How To Online Stalk A Bitch

In this day and age if there is one skill set that will keeping paying its dues, it’s the ability to effectively and efficiently follow a hoe online. Unless you do this for a literal job then chances are you haven’t had the same day to day opportunities to grow your skill set, and I truly feel for you. So, as You is due to hit our collective feeds later this year, here are some tricks for the average person.

Depending on how you meet your new obsessee, your hopes are going to either be dashed quickly – or you’re going to have something to work with. The key when meeting someone you want to look into further is to do one of two things. Either you find out their full name, or you find out if you have any mutual friends. This is important, and if you can’t do either of these you are going to make your life a lot harder. If your new doesn’t have any social media then you’re just fucked so move on.

If you are lucky enough to have a mutual friend then Facebook is the true MVP for stalking these days. Almost everyone sets their privacy to “friends” or “friends of friends” so seeing a friend list isn’t hard. Literally just go to your mutuals friend list, then search their friends for your new. Bam, you’re done and you now have their full name or preferred name.

If you only manage to get their full name, or a number, plug that shit into Google with the information you have and see what comes back. If you have the full name (and you haven’t already found their Facebook) you should also manually search Facebook, this will take a while but you’re already down this rabbit hole. Once you find them that’s when the true fun begins. Using Google means that you can find potentially linked accounts (Insta, Pinterest, etc) that can help you to determine cross-platform usernames.

Like most of us, people tend to reuse usernames. You may get lucky and just be able to name search someone on Insta and find them. If you’re lucky enough to stumble across a username in your search, don’t forget to check the URL on Facebook because it can include it, then there are tools that exist to check username availability across websites. If you have a username plug it into the below site, and anywhere it’s used it will tell you, and you can check the results manually.

What a lot of people also fail to realise off the bat is how easy it is to look through people’s profile pictures, even on private accounts on Facebook. You simply click on the profile picture, and it gives you the option to go through previous pictures unless the person has manually locked this down – which tends to be uncommon. The profile pictures themselves are also useful as you can reverse image search these in case they’re used online elsewhere (ie Twitter), and because they are the most liked pictures.

A pictures likes aren’t private, which in turn means you now have access to that person’s friend base. If the person you’re looking for can’t be found easily, chances are a friend can be – then you work your way back from there.

All of these tips are relatively easy to follow, and are all completely legal. At no point are you breaching any Terms and Conditions while doing this stuff, and while there are definitely other things you can do – this should be as morally grey as the average person should be willing to go. Even then there are those that’d argue this is still too far.

Ultimately though if you can’t use this to find out if the new cutie you are into has a partner then my advice to you is to stop earlier rather than later. Doing this stuff can lead you down a particularly obsessive road, so don’t go further than this, and don’t make fake accounts because bitch there’s a line. Otherwise, happy hunting.


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